faithful, frightened, free.

Let me explain..

God is so faithful. He’s proven it time and time again by whispers of tender love and protection in the middle of the night before hearing of a dear family member’s fatal hemorrhagic stroke. Hope in the darkest moments facing decade old hurts. Unspeakable peace in chaos that is the aftermath of losing loved ones. Quiet tender moments with beautiful patients when the only language you both speak is Jesus; pure heaven. The way only God can take sexual abuse and abandonment and make it mean something worthwhile. His mercy has covered every mistake and sin, His love is the infinity of His open arms. His grace which lavishly covers all my imperfections (I love that phrase!); that is my God, my faithful Father.

I left the ship 9 months ago and in that time I’ve battled the deepest grief I’ve known, walked some incredible mountain forests in Chamonix and Cape Town and faced depression and the fear that only a suicidal loved one brings. Fear of the end without having given it my all was enough to rattle the cob webs of my weary heart. I was fat and afraid. I was frightened when I realised how I was neglecting my greatest gift and asset. And I was inspired by a 79 year old who still runs 30 km a week. I was feeling convicted to move even when I was petrified. I’m so grateful for the millionth second chance I got. I took a Pilates instructors course, stalked my now-current boss (yes you read correctly), moved to a  breath-taking, drought-stricken new city and lost 10 kg in 5 months; and I’m going stronger than ever. Because Jesus. Non of this is possible without the mercy, love and grace of my Father. I cried out to you in so many prayers during Intermissionary Retreat in France and on lonely depressed days in bed. My closest friends and confidants sat with me in tears and stood in the gap praying for me when I couldn’t help myself.

When Jesus walks into the room, darkness trembles and hearts start burning. My favourite place is at His feet freely worshiping Him in song,  sitting in His presence and writing, and I wonder why I don’t run there more often?! He was there during the highs and during the pits, and I’m so grateful. Jesus is freedom. He gave me a reminder on His past birthday:

God is healing my family and we are moving forward. Chains are breaking. It’s a journey but there are more “I-love-You’s” and better communication each week and these were all tear-soaked scribbled prayers in my journal years ago. It’s a process but it is going in the right direction. He’s using my history, the seeds, to bear fruit and bring awakening.

Selling your family home and health scares are both ways to make you realise that life will move on, with or without you. Let it fire you up and may the most powerful Center of the Universe be your motivation to lay your life down. Figuring out whether depression is my own battle or if it is a gift of prophecy from the Spirit has lead to a bold awakening and incredible illumination of the power of the supernatural. There is still more to come as I seek the Spirit’s gifting in prophetic dreams, discerning of Spirits and Words of Knowledge. One Friday afternoon when all my colleagues were  off either rock skipping on the mountain or on the beach I was seeing a lady at work for serious back pain. She was defeated and carrying some heavy burdens. The session turned super-natural half way through when God told me why she has these back spasms and after sharing a personal testimony of ‘my’ struggle with depression and suicidal thoughts she was shattered in tears as the Lord revealed to her through me that she has a gift of discernment and prophecy as a life counselor. She is carrying the weight of all her clients on her Quadratus Lumborum. Like me, she intensely experiences other peoples feelings, thoughts and fears as a divine impartation of knowledge to be able to intercede with ‘inside-info’, if you will. Bold prayer and an almost 2 hour session and she left rattled and dizzy, but I think content and connected. It was beautiful.

I was woken in the middle of the night a couple of months ago with the intense need to journal. I had had a couple dreams leading up to that of me leading a healing ministry. This is it. A farm of faith and fellowship. A place of community. For restoration from brokenness and regaining hearts for Jesus through friendship, farming, movement therapy, art and music. I figured since I’ve dealt with guilt, shame, grief, have mad cooking skills, love spreadsheets, can do several push-ups, make people feel comfortable in themselves around me and want at least 4 children, this dream sounds realistic. I’m in.

Two days before I left for Mercy Ships 3 years ago I received a prophetic word about going to run an orphanage in Turkey. Yes. I think so. I’m declaring it. I’m boldly pressing into the desires he’s placed in my heart. The fascination I have with the Middle Eastern cultures and the way my heart crumbles and explodes when I see children from Syria – the most beautiful children I think I’ve ever seen, that’s not for nothing. It’s not a loose end. I was blessed to sail the South-Western coast of Turkey in 2013 and stand in the amphitheater where Paul read his letters to the Ephesians. That was not a loose end.

So, dear friends, may this encourage you. I have mustard-seed-sized faith on some days and on others I am so deeply in-love with my Father that I cry crocodile tears, heaving and with the biggest broken smile. It’s messy. But I trust Him with the job I have now, with the people He’s placed in my path and with this new found joy for healing and health. This is my season and I want to ask you for bold prayer and your support.

My heart is to do a DTS (Discipleship Training School) with YWAM. To embark on a journey to deeper intimacy with God as I would fellowship with others on mission to experience Him and share Jesus with nations in conflict. I’ve researched it, put it on hold, prayed about it, re-looked at it, and I am so hopeful. I know that this is the next step in my walk with God. Please would you walk with me in prayer and if you feel lead to give toward this vision would you contact me as I raise funds to do a DTS this year with YWAM Muizenburg. If it is His will, I will go to the nations where He has put desires deep inside.

May you always seek the Father’s face and be lead in love to those around you and remember:

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Ps 147:3

“Whom the Son sets free, oh, is free indeed!” (John 8:36)

“You never let go Lord, you pull me in close.” (Deut 31:6, James 4:8. Ps 34:18).

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